What's reparenting???
Re-parenting is the process of identifying and addressing the unmet needs from childhood, and providing yourself with the care and support that you deemed to be missing. By doing this, you can bring to the surface, address and heal the wounds from the past and develop a healthier relationship with yourself.
my personal encounter with Self Reparenting
As a little girl, I lacked the safe place to express myself. I lacked the emotional support I needed from those I loved most. Growing up, I always knew something was “wrong”. I would get scolded for crying or feeling any emotion other than “happiness” I could be battling depression and instead of being welcomed with love, hugs and validation. I was met with judgment, gaslighting and anger. I was indirectly taught that the only acceptable emotion to express is happiness.
This was extremely damaging to my confidence and self identity. Being that im an extremely emotional person.. not in the sense of crying all the time. Im just really intune with my emotions and the emotions of others. To have that aspect of me completely rejected by caregivers was sooo hurtful. I found myself hating how emotional I was. I found myself looking to my peers to learn how to act around my parents because they seemed to be accepted 100%.
Not having the emotional safe place I so desperately needed from my care givers made me internalize literally everything. Id find myself doing everything in my power to keep the peace within my home… I tired to not anger my parents with my deep emotions, so I suppressed them. At home is where I was the most unhappy growing up.
To cope with rejection I developed the skill of people pleasing. Its was a way to receive the love and validation I was looking for… even if it was transactional. I found so much comfort by creating safe places for others.This was me indirectly healing and reparenting myself before I even knew what to call it.
Through my trauma I was able to develop emotional intelligence at a young age. Which in turn allowed me to create emotional safe places for other people and my siblings who came after me, (im the big sister of 3 boys and the baby girl of 8)
In the midst of all of that I realized that I have the power to provide myself with what I felt was missing. It wasn’t until I was about 18.. That was the age I Was introduced to the concept of reparenting myself.
Ever since 18, reparenting has taught me how to heal the wounds I carried from my childhood. It has given me the ability to take control of my own emotional well-being. Reparenting has allowed me to release the resentment I had hidden in my heart for my parents. Reparenting allowed me to not take the actions of my parents personal, but instead give them grace. I no longer blame myself.
Now I see my parents as people who have also been hurt and may have not had the resources I did. This isn’t to excuse their behavior, but instead release myself of the burden of internalizing their behavior towards me. An indirect bye-product of reparenting has been a new and improved relationship with my actual parents.
I have found that soooo many people struggle with the same inner turmoil that I did. Being made aware of how many people relate. I made it my business to teach others how to reparent themselves. I believe that everyone deserves to experience the love and support they missed out on in childhood, and reparenting can help you achieve that.
My hope is that this blog post brings you just enough info to be curious and motivated to begin your own reparenting journey. In spite of your upbringing.
Rewriting Your Story: The Journey of Reparenting Oneself – Reclaiming Control of Your Life with Love and Self-Care
Step 1: Identify Your Inner Child
The first step in re-parenting is to connect with your inner child. This involves identifying the parts of yourself that feel wounded, neglected, or unloved. Take sometime to reflect on your childhood experiences and consider how they may have still currently impact you.
As a little girl, I was full of wonder imagination and of course unpredictability. I also would like to mention that I was a pretty intense little girl lol with deep emotions. I saw the world through innocent eyes, and every experience was brand new and exciting.
However, as I got older, those childlike qualities began to disappear one by one. I became more guarded and reserved, less willing to open up and let others in. I became pretty introverted because in my mind… I couldn’t trust anyone. I didn’t feel safe anywhere. This is when I took the concept of the “inner child” seriously. I had finally realized how much I had lost touch with that version of myself.
By making a conscious effort to identify and connect with my inner child, I’ve been able to rekindle that sense of wonder, joy, confidence and overall freedom that was once so natural to me. This has allowed me to back track and feed the inner child in me with the love , acceptance and support that my inner child needed to thrive.
Step 2: Practice Self-Awareness
To get the most out of Self Reparenting yourself, it’s important to practice self-awareness. This involves paying attention to your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and identifying patterns that may be rooted in your childhood experiences.
Practicing self-awareness has been something that was pretty natural for me. Only because of trauma and people pleasing.. NOT by choice lol. Wether I acquired this skill from positive or negative life experiences It has been extremely helpful. It has allowed me to dive deep into my emotional traumas, acknowledge them, and start to heal them.
As I became self-aware, I realized how much of my behavior was shaped by upbringing, past experiences, and family dynamics. I realized that some of the thoughts and beliefs I held about myself and the world were not actually mine, but passed down from my family, and they do not necessarily serve me well.
Throughout this process, I gave myself permission to cry, grieve and be angry for the things that hurt me in the past. I allowed myself to feel the neglected emotions and learned how to comfort myself. I can now identify when I am triggered, and instead of reacting with an unconscious impulse, I intentionally respond to the situation.
Self-awareness also taught me to prioritize my needs, boundaries, and values. Without self awrness you’ll lack boundaries needed to protect yourself from unwanted experiences…
Step 3: Develop a Reparenting Plan
Okay okay once you’ve identified your inner child and developed self-awareness, it’s time to create a re-parenting plan. This includes Identifying your unmet needs from childhood and coming up with ways to meet them now.
For example, if you felt neglected in anyway as a child, you could make a point to spend quality time with yourself each day. Creating a self-reparenting plan can be an amazing way to create accountability and establish commitment.
But How do I actually create a plan that works??
Im so glad you asked hehehe.. Creating a self reparenting plan involves identifying the areas of your inner child that require healing and nurturing.
To begin, identify the areas of your life where you feel unfulfilled, unhappy, or stuck. Then follow up with asking yourself what experiences and beliefs from your childhood may have contributed to these feelings.
Next, make a list of nurturing behaviors that you wish you would have received as a child. For example, emotional validation, unconditional love, and compassionate support.
Then, develop a list of activities that you think will provide you with the nurturing you’re seeking. This could be things like taking long walks, Praying, hugging trees, volunteering, no judgment girl just do something that feels like self-care.
Lastly, create a daily or weekly schedule outlining these activities as a reminder to set and execute your plan regularly.
Step 4: Nurture Yourself
Nurturing yourself involves treating yourself with the love, kindness, and compassion that would’ve been the most ideal for you as a child. You could do this by speaking to yourself in a gentle and loving way, taking care of your physical health, and engaging in activities that bring you joy.Whatever would make you feel the most nurtured do it! This allows us to replenish the love and support that we may have missed out on.
This is especially important for those of us who may not have received the validation, emotional/physical safety and care that we needed as children. The pressence of the things previously listed allows us to heal and grow into the loving and resilient individuals that we are meant to be. For me, nurturing myself looks like taking time to pray, listen to worship music, being out doors or just reading a good book.
Most importantly, being gentle and forgiving with myself when things get tough.It’s a constant practice, but one that has allowed me to feel more empowered and in control of my life, which ultimately makes me a better parent to myself, and one day to my own little ones.. Okay maybe not my own… I don’t know forsure I still haven’t decided yet;)
ummm that's great but.... How do I start nurturing myself??
Write yourself a love letter: Take the time to write down all the things you appreciate and love about yourself. Be kind and compassionate in your words, and speak to yourself as you would a dear friend.
Take yourself on a date: Plan a special outing or activity just for yourself. This could be something as simple as going for a walk in nature, trying a new restaurant, or taking a pottery class.
Create a comfort kit: Fill a box or basket with items that bring you comfort and joy, such as your favorite snacks, books, candles, or blankets. Use this kit whenever you need a little extra nurturing.
Practice self-compassion: When you make mistakes or face challenges, be gentle with yourself. Offer yourself the same kind and supportive words you would offer a close friend.
- Give yourself permission to rest: It’s important to prioritize rest and relaxation in your self-care routine. Set aside time each day to do something restful and soothing, such as taking a bath, reading a book, or practicing gentle yoga.
Step 5: Set Boundaries... unapologeticly
Setting boundaries is an important part of re-parenting. This involves saying no to things that don’t serve you, and setting limits on how much time and energy you give to others. By doing this, you can prioritize your own needs and protect yourself from the risk of being “re-traumatized.”
I found myself struggling with low self-worth and boundaries that were either nonexistent or flaky. I was taught (unintentionally) to do what I can to please or make things easier for others. Even if it meant that I wouldn’t be happy.As I got older I began to learn more about the role of boundaries in relationships and self-care, I began to see how they could help me re-parent myself in a way that felt healthy and fulfilling.
Setting and honoring boundaries has allowed me to take control of my own life and my own sense of self, rather than constantly seeking external validation or molding myself to fit someone else’s expectation. It has given me a sense of freedom and a newfound ability to prioritize my own needs and desires.
To those of you who have recently started practicing boundary setting. I want to encourage you to keep at it and pace yourself. I know starting out how intimidating it can be.Trust me I know it, but ultimately, it has the ability to change your life for the better.
just incase you're stuck here's a few ideas
- first thing first Identify your needs: Take some time to reflect on what you need to feel safe and comfortable. This could include physical, emotional, or mental needs. Then proceed to the following:
Set clear boundaries: Once you have identified your needs, set clear boundaries around them. This could mean saying no to activities that drain your energy, establishing a set of rules for your personal space, or being clear about your communication preferences.
Communicate your boundaries: It’s important to communicate your boundaries clearly to others. This could include expressing your limits to friends or family, setting expectations with coworkers or employees, or creating boundaries around your time and availability.
Be consistent: Maintaining consistent boundaries is key to successful reparenting. Stick to your boundaries and don’t waiver, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
Practice self-compassion: Remember that setting boundaries is an act of self-care, not selfishness. Be kind to yourself throughout the process and give yourself grace as you navigate this new way of living.
Evaluate and adjust: As you continue to reparent yourself, evaluate your boundaries regularly and adjust them as needed. Our needs and circumstances change over time, so it’s important to stay flexible and responsive to our changing needs.
Step 6: Practice Self-Forgiveness
Self forgiveness has been a game-changer for me. Self forgiveness is such a beautiful thing. It illuminates any shame, guilt and self criticism that you may have experienced. Forgiving yourself is like releasing a deep sigh of relief. You give yourself a fresh start!
For years, I carried so much baggage with me. I was constantly criticizing myself for literally everything. From my appearance to how I talked and even thought. I also use to be so hard on myself and say some pretty mean because of the mistakes I made. When I began forgiving myself ad navigating life as if I was forgiving. I began to see real progress in my journey.
Implementing self forgiveness, allowed me to let go of the need to be perfect and accept myself as I am mistakes and all. I’ve learned to be kind and patient with myself, acknowledging that I’m doing the best I can with the tools I have, but slowly taking on more when I feel that im ready to .
I’ve also realized that forgiveness isn’t about excusing bad behavior or letting yourself off the “hook”, but rather about acknowledging the humanity in us all and recognizing that we all make mistakes and this is including our parents/caregivers.
How do I even start "forgiving myself"?
Acknowledge what you did wrong: It’s important to acknowledge what you did wrong that caused the hurt or pain. Denying or minimizing the situation will only prolong the process of self-forgiveness.
Take responsibility: Once you’ve acknowledged what you did wrong, take responsibility for your actions. This means accepting that you made a mistake and acknowledging the impact it had on others.
Apologize: Apologize to those you hurt or offended. Be sincere and genuine in your apology. Make sure to listen to their response and acknowledge their feelings.
Practice self-compassion: Forgiving yourself is just as important as forgiving others. Be kind and gentle with yourself as you navigate this process.
Release negative emotions: Release any negative emotions you may be holding onto, such as guilt, shame, or anger. You can do this by journaling, talking to a trusted friend, or engaging in a physical activity.
Focus on growth: Use this experience as an opportunity for growth and learning. Identify what you can do differently next time and commit to making positive changes.
Let go of perfectionism: Remember that no one is perfect, and it’s okay to make mistakes. Allow yourself to let go of any unrealistic expectations or pressures you may be putting on yourself.
Repeat the process: Forgiveness is a journey, not a one-time event. Practice self-forgiveness regularly and be patient with yourself as you continue to grow and learn.
Final words
Starting the process of reparenting yourself can be a little tricky. You may think you already for the most part forgive yourself. Or maybe you don’t think reparenting yourself its possible. If either of the above apply. I truly challenge you to do some self introspection and allow yourself to dive deep and be honest with yourself. I can tell you It takes so much courage and strength to confront the patterns and habits that have been instilled in us from childhood, and to actively work on changing them for the better.The emotions that come up along the way can be overwhelming, but it is important to remember that you are not alone in this process and your best self is on the other of this.
Remember to be kind and patient with yourself as you navigate this new and difficult journey. You are deserving of everything that you may not have received growing up.Trust in yourself and in the healing process, and know that the journey will be unique and personal to you. Walk forward with compassion and a willingness to grow and thrive, and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel I promise *virtual hugs !!.
Thanks for reading
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